Pssst…Do You Want To Know A Secret?

For whatever reason(s), I was the “father confessor” of the office when I worked.  Maybe it was because everyone knew I didn’t play office politics.  Maybe it was because by the time I played that role I was the senior staff person.  But the most important reason was that folks knew I’d keep my mouth shut.

Unfortunately, the saying that the only way three people can keep a secret is if two of them are dead is often true.  So it’s not surprising that, thanks to the Internet, all sorts of “secrets” are bubbling out for the world to learn.

I’m not, and I suspect most folks are also not, too concerned about the “secrets” that Bradley Manning, Edward Snowden, and the like, are spilling.  Those secrets don’t really affect my day to day life since none of my phone conversations or e-mails end with the phrase: “Allah akbar!”

Fortunately, the Internet is full of folks who are willing to reveal all sorts of “secrets” that will positively impact my, and your, day to day life. Especially when it comes to money.

For example, there’s the “secret” about how to increase my Social Security benefit by $1,000.  That’s a lot of Alfredo Garcia steak fajitas at Moe’s! Of course, we don’t want too many folks in on this because every 1,000 seniors who use it add $1,000,000 to Social Security’s cost.  If too many folks learn and use the secret, then Social Security may have to cut payments to avoid bankruptcy. I wouldn’t want that…

And if you’re not yet old enough for Social Security, you can effectively join me in retirement by using the secret which allows you to make thousands of dollars working just a few hours at home on your computer.  Working a “regular” job is for the suckers who don’t know the secret!

As I wander the Internet, which knows I live in Florida because of my IP address, I see notices that if I live in Florida (lucky me) there’s a secret which will dramatically lower my car insurance rates.  The greedy insurance companies will never ever reveal the secret so it’s wonderful that a good Samaritan has dared to let us in on it even though the insurance companies will pay some Chinese hackers to frame him with posting kiddie porn. This is the kind of public service that deserves to be lauded!

Bad credit? No problem, because there’s folks who know the secrets to getting a stellar credit score no matter how many times you’ve declared bankruptcy, failed to pay debts, bounced checks, etc.  And they are happy to share that information!

Imagine the looks of awe you’ll receive when you whip out that black American Express card at the dollar store.  (Black is the new platinum.)  Because everyone can experience the “If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it” lifestyle that many deadbeats worldwide enjoy…just by using the secret.

Feeling the effects of age? Worry no more because you can look and feel the way you did in your twenties once you take advantage of the secrets which will not only halt aging but, yes, reverse it!  But again, we can’t let too many folks in on these secrets.  If everyone looked young and healthful, what value would that be? Value is based on scarcity.

Morbidly obese? Or just need to lose 30 pounds? There’s a secret to quick and permanent weight loss with no dieting! Eat all the chocolate, ice cream, triple Whoppers and pizza you want while watching the pounds disappear! You just need to know the secret…

Enquiring minds are asking:  so what are these secrets to more Social Security, quick financial wealth, lower car insurance rates, stellar credit, reversing the effects of aging, and rapid permanent weight loss?

Sorry, but I can’t tell you.  Because I can keep a secret… but keep your eye out for them while on the Internet.


One response to “Pssst…Do You Want To Know A Secret?

  1. The internet always wants to know if I want to know the secret to a flat belly. Hmmm…. Should I be offended?

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