Help Yourself

I’ve not been a book reader for many, many years.  That hasn’t stopped a “closeout” distributor I used to do business with from sending me a catalog once or twice a year.  The catalogs used to look like a newspaper tabloid and were in black and white.  Now, they’re on glossy paper and in color.

Since the distributor has a website (who doesn‘t?) where you can search the inventory, I wondered why he incurs the expense to print and mail out catalogs.  Perhaps he believes that more folks will browse the catalog than browse the website.

Normally, I don’t even browse the catalog – it goes straight into the recycle bin. But last month, I had some time and decided to take a look see.  Besides, he was offering free shipping…and “free” gets my attention!

On the rare occasions I read a book, it’s always non-fiction. Usually history, and often about World War II.  I didn’t see much in this category.

But, I found the “self-help” section quite eye opening jaw dropping.  This section has evolved very radically from the “positive mental attitude” approach that was once it’s hallmark. Now, it’s right to the point…

For just $4.95, “What To Do When the Shit Hits the Fan” has 295 pages of advice about coping with fire, flood, terrorist attack, tornado, winter storm, hurricane, landslide, earthquake, drought, nuclear emergency, civil rest and more.  (I guess “more” covers pestilence, tsunami, epidemic, etc.)  Similarly, the more expensive ($9.95) “Save Your Ass” has slightly more pages (320) for dealing with the same calamities.

But while we await Armageddon, we still need to put food on the table, pay the mortgage and, most importantly, visit Vegas each year.  And there’s help on how to accomplish all that.

In 185 pages costing $4.95, you’ll learn how to: Stick It to the Man: How to Skirt the Law, Scam Your Enemies, and Screw the Big, Fat, Stupid, Lazy Corporations …For Fun and Profit” Hurry, this will sell out quickly and it won’t just be to anarchists either.

If it does sell out, there’s always: “A$$hole: How I Got Rich and Happy by Not Giving a Damn About Anyone and How You Can Too.”  I think this 244-page tome has been reduced from  $22.95 to $4.95 because so many folks have already bought it and are practicing it’s philosophy.

Sex is always a big seller.  But you won’t find “How to Make Love to a Man” these days. That’s way too basic.  This is the 21st century and “advanced” titles are needed….

To me, $7.95 for only 96 pages seems a bit much for “The Little Naughty Book of Blow Jobs” but hey…there are  “color photos.”  In the “more is better” vein  😉   just $13.95 gives you 144 pages of: “Oral Sex He’ll Never Forget: 52 Positions and Techniques Guaranteed to Blow Your Man Away.” A witty title, a year’s worth of reading (assuming one session each weekend) and… color photos. From a publisher dedicated to your satisfaction: Quiver.

Men hate to ask for directions, so ladies buy these titles for your man so and won’t have to give him directions. “Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men” doesn’t sound straight to me. Not that I know much about lesbian sex. Or want to know…

Intellectuals may like “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.”  (Is there a guide for “unthinking men?)

There’s also a DVD section but the only title that intrigued me was: “Oversexed Rugsuckers from Mars.”  The synopsis: Martians using Earth as a lab mate a human with a vacuum cleaner but a programming error sends the oversexed creation on a wild rampage of rape, murder and overall bad manners. How did I miss that one at the Imax?

So many books…so little time.

BTW, all these books are available from Edward R. Hamilton.


2 responses to “Help Yourself

  1. Hmmm… there are 52 different positions for oral sex? Seems excessive but I find that intriguing. However, I can’t imagine any of these titles making good coffee table books!

  2. > 52 different positions for oral sex

    Not sure if it is “positions” or “techniques” and i already tossed the catalog. But enquiring mouths can check the website….lol!

    These are all “self-help” books, not for coffee tables.

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